Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
