You just made me feel so damn special
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
