I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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