sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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