Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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