Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
