This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
