Just fell off a train. Bad.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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