I smell stomach acid.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
