I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
