Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
