My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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