can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can't trust your balls anymore.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
