two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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