Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
