She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
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He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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