I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
