I wanna bring you to show and tell
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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