Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
