Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize