Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
