Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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