I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
