we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
