he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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