Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
