why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
