i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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