I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
