My sheets look like a crime scene.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
