I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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