I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
