Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
