omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
