its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
