So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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