you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
