Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
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last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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