My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Less talking, more tequila
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
