God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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