she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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