I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
