i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
