Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
