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remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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