Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
