my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
