i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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