I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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