She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
