I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize