if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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