Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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