once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
