seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
