sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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