Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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