I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
