I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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