he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
